I'm standing in the bathroom in tears and I can't control my breathing - I can't breathe out. I can feel the panic rising in me.
It's been almost a week since our little Luise* was born. The first week as a family of 4. Our first daughter is 17 months old and is already a "big" sister.
I 've felt so many emotions in the last week that I can neither understand nor classify them: terms like joy, gratitude, love... should be used now, but it's not like that. Not most of the time.
Emma*, 17 months old
We live in a one-room apartment and have a family bed. Tandem breastfeeding was my plan and I imagined it to be very fulfilling.
Reality knocked on the door the very first night.
Both children screaming and crying on and off me. Nothing worked. I overwhelmed every child on their own, me as a mother and also my husband, who lay helpless and didn't know what to do next.
We separated for 3 nights. He with Emma, I with Luise with my parents.
I've never made a decision that hurt me so much in my relationship with my daughter.
Again and again I heard her crying out in tears when I left the room with Luise and also on the nights when I was so far away from her that I couldn't have heard her at all: "Mama there?! Mummy!!".
I left so that after the 4th attempt to finally fall asleep, she could just calm down. Nurse to sleep after 1.5 years, give security and security.
I miss my Emma in such a brutal way that I didn't expect beforehand. She stands next to me, I hold her in my arms, I play with her when the little one accepts her daddy's arm for a moment... and I miss her so much that the tears roll down my eyes. Because... I realize I'm not always there anymore. Not as you and I know it.
I have 4 siblings myself and I know from the bottom of my heart that they are my pillars that carry me in life. I wish my Emma the same luck and I know that with Luise this door will open.
Why is the beginning so difficult?!